Thursday, April 3, 2014

Referee's Whistle 4

Good morrow! Today is the world-famous "Referee's Whistle" feature which I give my two cents to all world football news worthy of such high expense. Quite a lot has happened since my last update so let's not waste any more TIME.

As always, we kick it off with my beloved Manchester United. Its been an interesting past couple of weeks. After the Greeks, it was right back to the Premier League to continue the good times. And, thanks to Rooney, good times were had by all.
Had to do it.

Anyway, HERE is the beautiful goal scored by Rooney. I know you saw it, but it can always be gazed upon lustfully again.

Basically, Rooney was in a really good mood that day. This really is the only highlight worth mentioning. ITS JUST SO PRETTY! 3 points and another win to keep things as Pharrell would have them, happy. But all good things must come to end and the next game was not so joyful. In fact, it was pretty much the opposite of joyful. It sucked.

United lost to City 3-0 in the Manchester Derby, effectively making us relive our Liverpool nightmare of a few weeks back. There's not much to talk about because Dzeko ended the game in 10 minutes. The first goal in 10 seconds or whatever deflated the United player's spirits and the second punctured it for good. The more interesting talking points came when disgruntled fans RIOTED AND TOOK MOYES HOSTAGE! ... Nah, they just hurled insults toward him and tried to take down the "Chosen One" banner. When both ventures at venting the frustration failed, they turned to the skies for vindication. No, not God, but a plane.
Like 3 guys who got drunk and owned a plane decided to fly it over Old Trafford at the start of the Aston Villa game. It was a piddly little thing with an even piddly-er banner that said Wrong One; Moyes Out and it was the piddly-est. The crowd booed it when they saw it and rightly so. That crap shouldn't happen at Manchester United. Anyway, United got right back to form with a very solid 4-1 win against the Villains. Rooney was back to Rooney Tunes status and Mata scored his first goal as a Devil.

One thing I haven't touched on was the loss of Robin van Persie due to injury. It was truly a blow and a major loss. HOWEVER, it can be a blessing in disguise and it already has. United has had lineup problems especially regarding Kagawa, Mata, and Rooney. Rooney likes being the lone striker, Mata likes to play in the hole, and Kagawa hates warming the bench. With Persie in, everyone had to shift to accommodate his striking role. Rooney dropped back, Mata is pushed wide, and Kagawa sits down. With Persie out, everyone gets to play more and in their preferred positions to boot. I'm not saying losing Persie was a good thing, but it has led to good things. In other words, we're doing just fine.
The game everyone was talking about was the Bayern Munich game. Now, everyone thought we were going to get steamrolled 7-0, Bayern would have all the shots, United would have no fun, blah blah blah. Well, I got news for you... that didn't happen. In fact, United played far better than Guardiola's Trolls in my opinion as we head to Germany with a very winnable situation of a 1-1 draw. Yes, the Trolls held the vast majority of possession, but possession is meaningless so that doesn't bother me once. In fact, its quite easy to see why they kept possession so much if you watch the game. Basically, they played A LOT of back passes. Holy crap it was funny. They charged forward only to see the mighty red well and decided to retreat. They did this hundreds of times and only managed one goal. Actually, they had FEWER shots on target than United! That stat is also meaningless but is a better indicator of the actual story of the game than possession. We tested Neuer more than they tested De Gea. Absolutely brilliant defensive display. And Vidic showed why he's going to leave a massive hole at the back and going forward when he jets off to Inter. A very boring game, but United prevented Guardiola's Trolls from having fun which is essentially giving them their own medicine because that is all Guardiola's Trolls do. But we go to Germany with hope in our hearts for we may just pull off the upset yet. We just have to keep focused.

In other news, Real Madrid and PSG all but guaranteed their spots in the semis, proving yet again that money can buy happiness. However, money can also buy you a lot of trouble as Barcelona have recently learned thanks to a sanction from Blatter's Boys which forbids them from making any transfers until summer of NEXT YEAR. I thought it was because of Neymar, but it seems it was due to the Under-18s they've been molesting... I mean... signing. Of course, this also means that City/PSG/Chelsea/Bill Gates can't snap up Messi for 7 Billion dollars. Because that could actually happen.
In other other news, the USA drew with Mexico 2-2 in preparations for the World Cup while debuting some very snazzy looking kits. It's not very 'Merican, but after gazing at it for 5 minutes with a look of disgust on my face, I realized it was quite the cute kit. I have a feeling we will repeat our World Cup of yore and progress to the knockouts and not make it much further, but we'll see. When it comes to the World Cup, anything can happen.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Three Thoughts on United

First, I haven't posted because Liverpool severely pissed me off and I didn't feel like it. Second, I haven't posted because United made me jovial and I didn't feel like it. Third, fuck Bayern Munich.

Let's start with, but not dwell on, the Liverpool match. The game itself wasn't that bad, but if you read any article on the interwebz, you'd think Liverpool raped United with a baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it. Honestly, not a single article I've read said anything other than Liverpool "humiliated" or "demolished" or "raped them with a baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it." The only explanation is nobody who wrote an article actually watched the match. They saw the scoreline, read United conceded 3 penalties, and used their imagination for the rest. WHAT ABOUT REALITY??? The truth of the matter is United weren't outplayed, but incredibly unlucky. First, Liverpool didn't have a single shot on target until The Ugliest Man in the World shot and scored in the 80th or so minute. FACT. They didn't test De Gea once. Second, the penalties were bullshit. Only the one with Rafael's handball was legitimate. As for the third one, STURRIDGE DIVED! Complete and utter trash. He dived, Clattenburg's an idiot and penalty-happy so he awarded one, and then Vidic got sent off to boot, thus ending the tie. This is exactly the reason why I believe the referee should have a tablet with him on he field so he can get another look at what happened from different angles and slow motion before he calls foul. Blow the whistle, take two seconds to watch the replay, book the divers. Its that simple. But, as it is the referees get to run wild like an Amish person during Rumspringa. Oh, and I've got to hand it to Stevie G for completely pissing all over his chance to become the first player to score 3 goals from the spot in English history.

Well enough about how Liverpool are douchebags. On to why United is and forever will be the best club in the world. After the abysmal showing in Greece, the floodlights beamed down on Old Trafford in the special way only European nights can and it made apparent to everyone why OT is the Theatre of Dreams! United won 3-0 on the night to progress to the quarter-finals of the Champions League. Basically, I TOLD YA SO! It was like a different United. Honestly, almost every single player was at the top of their abilities. Persie was the hat-trick hero and he showed why he's still the best striker in England; Giggsy pulled a Pirlo and was the play-maker from deep, giving United the killer balls through the middle that is so essential; and De Gea was a monster, denying anything Olympiakos could muster towards his way. In short, United would've beaten anyone on the night and I mean ANYONE. Liverpool, Real Madrid, and even Guardiola's Trolls. Which brings me to the final thought...

Now, let me make one thing clear. I'm not screaming NO! because United drew the favorites of the competition. I'm not screaming NO! because United can't beat them. As I said above, United have the quality to beat anyone. I'm screaming NO! because United will be playing the MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM IN WORLD FOOTBALL! I already know whats going to happen because United have gone up against Guardiola's Trolls twice before and both times it was the same. Basically, Guardiola's Trolls will bore everyone to victory. My thoughts on Guardiola's so-called "tactics" are well-documented. Its the single most evil way to play football. Its not even a way to play football, more of a way to give your opponents and everyone watching a big ol' middle finger up the ass. Some crap people say its brilliant, but brilliant people say its crap. Considering how my life is going, I knew we were going to play Guardiola's Trolls. Its written in the stars.
See it? That's for me. Get your own.

Well, that about wraps things up. If United play the way they did on Wednesday over two legs, there's not a doubt in my mind United will go through to the semis. Of course, they'll have to do it by being the better team. Of course as the media has shown, even if they do beat Guardiola's Trolls, the world will say United got "lucky" and "don't deserve it" even if we win by a 7-0 aggregate. But, all we can do is hope United bring it to the Trolls. As much as it pains me to say it, this season reminds me of Chelsea's Champions League winning season. If you'll remember, two years ago Chelsea won the Champions League. They did it by defeating the clear favorites Guardiola's Trolls over two legs. They also finished outside the top four of the Premier League that season. They also did it without a great manager. SO YEAH! It can be done, it has been done. If the bitches at Chelsea can do it, the glorious Manchester United certainly can, too.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Beckenbauer and I Think Alike!

Ooohhhh... Beeeeeeeckenbauerrrrrrrrr....

I woke up this morning in pretty good mood. After watching Chelsea Handler destroy Piers Morgan on his own (cancelled, lol) show and reading about New Jersey's ban on direct-to-customer sales thus proving once again "Land of the Free" is nothing more than propaganda, I went to my usual football news site and read something that made me ECSTATIC!

Franz Beckenauer, World Cup winner, legendary defender, Der Kaiser, shares the exact same views as I do on Pep Guardiola's trolling tactics! The lord said, "Let there be quotes!" And so it was...

"In the end, we'll be unwatchable like Barca. They'll be passing it backwards on the goal-line."

Unwatchable. UNWATCHABLE. Now let's examine that a little bit. First, what does "watchable" mean? According to, "Interesting or enjoyable to watch. As in, a watchable TV talk show." Ok, now let's see what "Un-" means according to "a prefix meaning, 'not'." So let's put those two together and see what Der Kaiser said on the most basic level...

"In the end, we'll be NOT INTERESTING OR ENJOYABLE TO WATCH like Barca." - BAMF McGee, aka Franz Beckenbauer.

For those of you who missed it, I posted a rant yesterday saying the exact same thing, but in my own rant-y gif-giving way. Check it out if you haven't already. I don't have much to add because I had gotten it out of my system already. I just wanted to share with you all that I'm not alone in my feelings toward Guardiola's Trolls. I have backing from one of the most well-respected footballers to ever grace a pitch. As the saying goes, GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE.
Old guys kick ass.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

RANT on Guardiola

Seriously, who thinks Guardiola is a good coach? If you do, you're... dumb. My blood is boiling right now because of the first half of the Champions League 2nd leg of the Arsenal Bayern game. Its not because Bayern have scored 10 goals and are playing such brilliant football that Arsenal are outclassed by a mile. If that were the case, I'd be happier than a pig in shit because I'd be witnessing good football. The scoreline is 0-0 (at time of writing, half-time). Its also not because Arsenal are putting on a solid defensive display taking the ball away from Bayern and keeping them quiet. If that were the case, I'd again be happier than a pig in shit. No, the reason I'm pissed off right now is because I just watched Barcelona in Bayern shirts.

My hatred for the tiki-taka style of football is well documented. It is the single most negative way to play football. Period. Nothing is more evil, more despicable, more of a dick tactic than that. And guess what? Bayern are playing like that! For those of you who love your brain getting washed of all originality, I'll explain why this tactic is the biggest troll in all of football.

PRESS PRESS PRESS. That is ALL Guardiola's trolls do. That's it. Nothing else. I'm not going to get on their ass for passing around the back like bitches (even though they do) because even United pulls that crap far more often than I would like. Besides, retaining possession and connecting passes with teammates is what football is all about. The bullshit enters when Bayern lose the ball. Now, pressing is a tactic that has been part of the game since its inception. However, the way Guardiola's trolls do it is the very definition of ANTI-FOOTBALL. Why? Because they are all like this.

As soon as Guardiola's trolls lose the ball, EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS! Its as if all players in the general vicinity of the ball carrier do a long line of cocaine and just start spazzing out. They swarm the player, come crashing in with their tree trunk legs, the player is overwhelmed, plays a poor pass, and Guardiola gets the ball back to hoard. In short, they don't let the opposition play. Hence, anti-football.

But Trooooooy... I thought parking the bus was anti-football! Oh, you naive little treasure. No, parking the bus isn't anti-football. You see, when a team parks the bus, they concede possession and let the other team have the ball. For all intents and purposes, its pro-football because they are allowing the game to be played. Yes, its hard to score goals against a team who blocks every shot. However, its IMPOSSIBLE to score goals when you don't have the ball. Imagine playing with all your buddies in a Sunday league and your opponents play Keep-Away for 90 minutes. You just want to enjoy yourselves; they just want to keep you from enjoying yourselves. THAT IS GUARDIOLA'S TACTIC!

I wrote a long time ago about the solution to such bitchassness on the pitch and its called Roy Keane. He was the best at shielding the ball and keeping possession. If Guardiola's Trolls spazzed out and swarmed him, he'd promptly suck them all in and lead them like a lamb led to slaughter, pass a killer ball to the 8 wide-open players due to Pep's beehive tactic, and United would score easily. I miss Keano and I'm sure many of my fellow United supporters do too. I bring him up because there was one man who emulated him for one moment of the first half:

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain summoned the spirit of Keano and shielded the ball like an absolute beast. He went on a run that ended the lives of no less than 5 trolls (Guardiola's players) before being illegally stopped by an intentional foul. That is all anyone needs to do to completely destroy Guardiola's game plan: protect the ball. If their pressing doesn't work, they have nothing. Simple as.

I've said a lot of nasty things about Pep Guardiola's tactics today... and every single one of them is true. Furthermore, Guardiola has the easiest coaching jobs in history. He inherits a Barcelona squad which needed no improvements, taught them how to play like cunts, and he wins everything. He then quits football because Barca's players were on the decline and they could no longer successfully do the only tactic he knows. Then, he inherits a Bayern Munich squad which needed no improvements (but got them anyway in the form of Gotze and Thiago), teaches them how to play like cunts, and he's on his way to winning everything again.

I really thought the age of tiki-taka bullshit was over. Even when Pep signed for Bayern Munich I figured he would allow them to keep playing the way they know and just direct them down the right paths. But, no. He decided to enter the Konami code and ruin European football for everyone all over again. But what can we do about it? Only one thing to do...

I didn't watch the second half because I was too bust bitching and moaning blog-style. Let's just see if I missed anything... "Arsenal 1 - Bayern Munich 1" Nope. I haven't. Thanks for sticking with me throughout that whole thing. I know I said some things and some stuff, but its a blog so whatever. Be sure to leave a comment about your thoughts on the Troll-tactic. I really want to know what you think. Even if you completely disagree with me, let me know.

Also, I'm in the middle of centralizing my online self and working at bringing more content in different forms including a youtube channel so be sure to look out for that. I'll be back with my thoughts on tomorrow's United game of which I will watch the full 90 minutes. Until then, keep thrilling.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Short Musing on United v West Brom

Break out the champagne! UNITED WON A GAME!!!

Manchester United emerged victorious from the Western quadrant of the Bromwich on the island of Albion today and what a game it was. For a full 90 minutes we saw action, romance, comedy, and tragedy. MGM is already in talks with the Premier League about turning it into a dramatic feature film. It's even got Oscar buzz, already!

Ok, so it wasn't that thrilling. For all intents and purposes, it was actually a pretty boring match. Jones started us off with a free header, Rooney doubled the fun with a free header, and Welbeck put it to rest with a decent strike after a missed slide tackle. 3-0 the final score and three points in the bag. Basically, WBA were terrible defensively and didn't stand a chance. Moyes' tactics of whipping in crosses actually worked because of defensive mistakes, but also because the crosses were actually decent for a change. Maybe its the alignment of the planets. Maybe its inexplicable. Or maybe... its because Valencia and Young didn't play!

Maybe I'm a bit harsh on Young and Valencia. As I said before, WBA was just not there defensively today, but results speak volumes and we won today without the pair. Granted, United have far more difficult opponents coming up, like the almighty Olympiakos *sigh*, but its results like these that give the players the boost they need to take on tougher challenges in the near future.

Man of the Match goes to Rooney for his command of the game. He got on the score sheet and also got a beautiful assist by playing a key ball in for Welbeck to finish off. Granted, the defender went for it and missed putting Welbeck 1v1 with the keeper, but I'm just so happy to see a central forward pass into the box. Seriously, that is an extreme rarity for United these days.

Well, that's it for today. I'm not expecting anyone to drop points this weekend, but so be it. United can't be bothered with anyone else anymore. They just need to use this win to propel them to the next win which will propel them further.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Referee's Whistle 3: Current Events in World Football

Alright, alright, alright.

Well, I took a sabbatical from football for the last few days because United weren't playing and it was Oscar weekend. I'm a huge fan of film and Oscar night is basically my Superbowl. Over the days prior to the big night I re-watched all the films I thought needed second viewings to make my final picks. Come the big night, I had a .500 batting average. I could've gotten more if I went for the picks I knew would win i.e. Gravity for visual effects, but I always pick which is most deserving in my own opinion and nothing came close to Smaug.

Such is the way of the Oscars. I'm hoping the Academy are holding out the prizes for Hobbit until There and Back Again, the third of the trilogy, like they did with Rings. I know it won't win Best Picture or anything, but statues for Costume Design, Visual Effects, Production Design, etc. are definitely in order. Side note: Benedict Cumberbatch plays Smaug very well, but Robert Downey Jr. would've done a fine job, too.

Basically, I'm making excuses as to why I haven't posted in the last few days and why this post won't be very good with the analysis of games played. I didn't watch any games and considering the results I didn't miss much of anything. One thing I did miss, but later got to see thanks to highlights on the internet, was Yaya Toure's goal.

Wonderful. Anyone who watches the EPL knows Yaya Toure is an absolute monster of a player. I believe he is the single most important player City has signed since the Sheikh takeover. Let's put it this way. If Manchester United had signed him instead of City back in 2010, United would've won the Champions League that season and probably another before Sir Alex retired.

In other news, Alan Pardew channeled his inner Zidane and smashed his face against David Meyler's shoulder. However, Meyler isn't Italian and Pardew doesn't have the glorious dome of Zidane meaning both men just embarrassed themselves, really. After a push by Meyler, similar to that of Ronaldo's on Guardiola a few years back, Pardew loses it and uses it.

The gif doesn't show the initial push, but it happened. You can tell at the tail end of that gif that Pardew realizes he's more fucked than fucked. The guy's wallet is already 100K lighter and that's even before the FA punishes him. Some people are calling for a lifetime ban or a season-long ban. Some people feel he should get off scott free because Meyler "instigated" the headbutt. Personally?

He gets what he gets. I can see it from both sides, but the bottom line is Pardew acted unprofessionally. Yes, he was shoved first, but two wrongs don't make a right. However, three rights make a left! If anyone can tell me what Nickelodeon cartoon that was from, you're awesome.

Today, there are some international fixtures. I'll most likely watch England for a little while then switch it to Spain/Italy if nothing is happening. This is great timing for United because it gives Moyes a chance to sort things out at home and for the players to reignite their love for the game away from home. We shall see when club play resumes. Until then, keep looking out.

Merry Gifmas.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Moyes & Ferguson: Touchline Charisma

(DISCLAIMER: this observation is simply that; an observation. I'm not judging David Moyes on his recent performances or his tactical differences to Sir Alex. I'm merely highlighting key differences in the charismatic influence the managers would have on any player looking over to them at the precise moment the pictures were taken. Whether United were winning 3-0 or losing 0-3 is irrelevant. Tittysprinkles.)

I woke up this morning understandably peeved over United's performance yesterday. I was surprised at myself for continuing to stew over it into the next day because I usually move on by then, but the boys' performance yesterday left such a bad taste in my mouth, I actually flossed this morning. As I gazed upon the tweets of those just as disappointed as I, I found a rather interesting photo of our impassioned manager on the sidelines of the Olympiacos match (posted by @unitedmat):
Now, according to the comments, this was taken at the moment United conceded the second goal, which is understandable. But, as the disclaimer above notes, I don't give frogging mugs what just happened. The comment accompanying the pic was "This will not inspire anyone" and I couldn't have said it better myself. I mean LOOK. AT. THIS. He's like when a cartoon character comes home from a hard day at work and just deflates in his armchair. The whole point of this analysis is to try and understand what would go through a players mind if they looked over to Moyes at this moment. If I were a player, and this were GTA, I'd take the easy way out right then and there. A picture is worth a thousand words and not one of those words is "leadership." Now, some of you might be thinking, "well he's sitting down. Of course he's not inspiring anyone. No rock stars perform sitting down." And you're right. But, there are plenty of ways to convey leadership when sitting. For example, one could CONVEY COGNITIVE THOUGHT. How might one do that?
Looking at your watch is a great way of doing it. It demonstrates you aren't a total buffoon and that you care about the game. Also, posture is a big deal and Sir Alex is sitting properly in this chair. The differences are not hard to miss. While this is not necessarily an "inspiring" image, but its neither the depressing scene of the picture above. As a player, I'd understand Sir Alex is actively contemplating situations for victory in his head with that glance at the watch which would at the very least keep me focused. Hell, even Mike Phelen and Rene Muelensteen look more focused than Phil Neville and... *google search* Steve Round? I guess so. Just getting that name took like ten minutes to find. Anyway, Sir Alex is clearly showing his charisma sitting and David Moyes is no where near charismatic.

Now, what about when they are actually ON the touchline being the commander generals they are? Well, I'm not going to analyze pictures of them finger pointing and shouting instructions because that would just be silly. I don't know what they're shouting and as the disclaimer above notes, it is irrelevant anyway. In keeping with the theme, and because its more fun, I'm only interested in how they appear on the touchline when they AREN'T hooting and hollering, mainly when they are gazing upon the pitch intently. First up is Moyes.
Now, is it just me or does he look like on the verge of death here? Pictures can be so unflattering. Anyway, here's David looking like a wise old owl surveying an increasingly terrible situation, apparently. He looks like he's gazing at a town being consumed by lava. Where is the hope? WHERE IS THE LOVE?! Its just not a very inspiring sight to see your commander-in-chief with that look on his face. Now, here's Sir Alex.
So subtle, yet so clear. As a player, one glance at this and I know to keep fighting on. The face is one full of determination, the eyes full of hope, and that lean forward exemplifies the will to keep going. Its like he wants to charge the field and score a goal himself. Even his arms are at his sides which is so much more aggressive than having them folded like Moyes. 

Maybe I'm looking WAY too deep into this. I just found some similar pictures and decided to put on the analysis hat because I was disgusted with that first picture. We all miss Sir Alex and now more than ever it seems. I'm not going back on my word; I'm still sticking with Moyes for two years. He just needs to get it together.